next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
