I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
