you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
