You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
