I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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