My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
