Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
