You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
