I hate your face
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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