He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
