I CAN MOONWALK!
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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