i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
