Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
