my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
