for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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