Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
be right there i have to get my cape
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
