Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
