My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
