he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
