I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
