The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
