we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
