If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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