you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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