Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
