my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
