I smell stomach acid.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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