You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
