I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
