so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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