I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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