Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
