i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
