i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
