I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
