it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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