I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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