Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
