he was CRYING into my vagina
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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