I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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