yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
