please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
