How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
