tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
