I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
