i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
she smelled like a LAN party
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
