I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
