Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize
