i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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