I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
