God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
