Michael Bay diarrhea
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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